Monday, October 10, 2011

From the book of Davidicus: When you eat of the spoils.(repost)

3 Of the spoils of your wandering, you shall devote a tenth of the firstfruits to your father. But take heed that you devote what has chocolate, so that he shall be pleased with what he receives.

4 Of the Reese's®, you shall devote them all, likewise the Snickers®. But take heed, lest you try to test your father and give him Skittles® instead of M&Ms®, and thereby incur his disfavor.

5 Of the Pixi Stix®, and the Sweet Tarts®, and the Kandy Korn®, you shall give him no part, for they are an abomination unto him. But of the Nestle Crunch® and Krackel®, you shall give him a portion, as a peace offering.

6 Lest you grumble because of the nuts in the flesh of your spoils, you may offer the bars that contain them unto your father. Mr. Goodbar® is favored, as are the Peanut M&Ms®. Almond Joy® hath nuts, Mounds® don't.

7 You shall reserve the choicest fruits: the special darks, and the truffles, for an offering to your mother, who bore you, who brought you to life. And it is under her rule as to when you are able to eat the remainder.

8 And on the day of cleansing, the last day, all the bags shall be opened, and I shall say unto you, "How on earth did we get so many Tootsie Rolls®?" And all that remains will be cast into the bin.

9 And if any acceptable offerings are found that have been left to rot, or get that white crusty stuff on the chocolate, I shall say to you, "How is it that you have hidden this from my eyes, and have not even eaten it?" And your father shall not be pleased with you.

(Davidicus 10:3-9 DADV)


Anonymous said...

That was so beautifully written! I am having 'hurt cheek' syndrome from smiling about it! Good one!

Anonymous said...

10 And lo, on that day, the KitKat® shall be rent in two and I, your father, shall devour first the half in my left hand, then turn and devour the remaining half in my right hand.

11 Woe to you who partake of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups® for it is an abomination to get your chocolate in my peanut butter. And, likewise, to get your peanut butter in my chocolate.

12 Two things your father abhors, nay three things that are detestable to my mouth: Good&Plenty®, Necco Wafers®, and boxes of raisins.

Steve Collinsworth said...

You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. And the truth is that is just hilarious! Thank you